All Our Scars, Episode 1

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By Cyndi Strong

 

I watched him silently…my eyes strained on the conversation he was having, the way his hands wandered down her arm as they talked. She was beautiful, light skinned and had a dark mane of hair, her eyes were bright as she stared at him, looking up at him with adoring eyes. He was smiling that smile again, that smile that’s made my heart ache, especially when it wasn’t directed at me.

I couldn’t hear what they were talking about but I could tell that he was complimenting her at the moment, with the way she giggled and flipped her hair over her shoulders with a shy smile. As he stood there, I wondered what line he was using now and if he had used it once on me. The possibility of that was very high.

Maybe he told her that her hair reminded him of a mermaid’s, the beautiful flow as it fell down her shoulders calling onto him like the seductive call of a siren. Or maybe he said her eyes looked like a thousand stars were trapped in them and he wanted to be the only one their light shone on. I could think of a thousand and one things he was saying to her, the tone he was using and the smile…that goddamn smile that he sent her way.

His hands were covered hers as they talked some more. From where I sat, I noticed she was leaning heavily on his body. He was rather tall, with long legs and a lean waist. He looked perfect to lean on and I didn’t blame her for taking the opportunity. I knew the moment he recognized the fact that she had landed in his perfectly set trap, he smiled large, his white teeth glittering in the sun and I chuckled a little because I knew that smile would come sooner than later.

He was charming, and he knew it, every word that left his lips were aimed at your strengths, aimed perfectly like a sniper’s favorite weapon at all your walls, sending them tumbling down like a pack of oddly set cards. It was a rather sad sight to see another heartbroken soul added to the long list of ladies already cursing his name. Maybe at an earlier time I would have been disgusted at the sight, I would have turned my nose at the way he caressed them, like I always did when he pulled out a blunt… now it was familiar and rather amusing as I watched the impending heart break unfold right before my eyes.

I guess with the amount of time I’d seen it happen, I had become rather unfeeling to the countless girls and they’re faceless faces…because for some reason, they always reminded me of myself. With the way they melted at his smile, the way they laughed at his jokes and most shamefully bent to his will. But what do I know…they had something I desperately wanted…they had James. They had him…I didn’t.

‘Did you see her?’ He asked loudly as he sat at our table, taking a swing of his forgotten beer, his eyes shone like they did after the predator in him had gotten their prey. He watched me, waiting for my response. I nodded my head wildly and smiled with enthusiasm, ‘She was fucking fine!’ I wasn’t lying however, she was beautiful… she wasn’t me.

His dark brown orbs shimmered as he watched me with hooded eyes, his lips curved in a small smile as his eyes wandered my face, as if searching for something. Our eyes met, and we maintained the eye contact, I held my breath as I watched his lips closely as they were about to move.  ‘Baby, I’ve been looking all over for you!’ Mike’s voice rang loudly in my ears breaking the concentration I had on James’s eyes.

Moving my gaze to my boyfriend as he sat beside me and pulled me in for a kiss, I closed my eyes tightly, trying to imagine the fireworks and butterflies I should be feeling at the simple fact that his lips touched mine.

Numb.

I felt numb, I felt no tingles, no blimp in my heartbeat, no shortness of breath, I just felt… numb.

Mike placed his hands over mine and gave my palm a kiss, resisting an eye roll; I looked back at James whose eyes were already on me, watching me silently. I wondered what ran through his mind whenever he laid his eyes on me, did he think I was beautiful? Or did he imagine me in erotic positions under him with his lips running slowly down my neck and my legs wrapped around his waist as I gasped at the feeling of penetration?

My eyes had glazed over when I realized that I was the one imagining all of this, I was the one who wanted to be beautiful in his eyes, I was the one who wanted to be under him in the most intimate way possible, I hated when my thoughts took this direction because I hated the reaction my body had to the thoughts.

Tingles.

I felt tingles, tingles up my spine, tingles at my fingertips, tingles on my lips, I felt tingles everywhere, and sucking in a sharp breath I looked at my boyfriend. He was talking animatedly to James who was laughing at his jokes and nodding his head in amusement. I looked at Mike’s face trying to find which imperfection was there that made it hard for me to feel tingles, but I found nothing; his chocolate brown skin was a perfect fit for his dark eyes, his pale pink lips as he spoke and his bright white smile. The bright white smile that was directed at me…

Mike was mine. I had him. But for some reason he didn’t seem to be enough, I wanted more, I wanted something else. I wanted James. James didn’t want me however, I wasn’t what he wanted, I could never be. Maybe in an alternate world, he’d meet me first and be the one pinning over me like a dazed lover, maybe he’d be in love with me…. Maybe he’d trail kisses down my neck, bite my lips lightly, suck on my collarbone and maybe just maybe he’d do me right.

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