By Cyndi Strong
Maybe in an alternate world, he’d met me first and be the one pinning over me like a dazed lover, maybe he’d be in love with me…Maybe he’d trail kisses down my neck, bite my lips lightly, suck on my collarbone and maybe just maybe he’d do me right. Do me like Mike never does.
Michael treated me ‘right’, he did all the socially right things to “steal” my heart but he didn’t steal anything, I just felt…obligated to give him something. I wasn’t in love with him, I should be but I wasn’t.
If I think about it really hard, if I focus all my scattered brain cells on why I was with Mike, I’d remember that at first the fact that someone actually liked me was more than fascinating, it was mind boggling, someone actually liked me!
The fact that other girls wanted this piece of perfect human chocolate didn’t help the situation, I remember how he’d smile brightly at me whenever he saw me, in a crowd, at the mall, everywhere, he’d smile, and the fact that I had that type of effect on someone was mind blowing.
I fed off that feeling.
The feeling of attraction he felt for me, it has never happened before…at least not to that extent. So yes I was a bitch, and yes I was an attention seeker, there are worse sins.
“Hey Ola, I’ll catch you later, aiii?” James says as he stands up from his seat and leaves without telling Mike goodbye, I watched him go silently, my eyes focused on his back as he left, I kept my gaze on him until he was out of sight.
Sighing I turned to look at my boyfriend to see him glaring at me harshly, his eyes narrowed tightly as he looked like he was trying to find something.
“What?” I asked quietly as I tried to avoid his eyes, picking up my food in my spoon and then turning it over in the plate absentmindedly.
“What’s going on with you and that guy?” he asks with his face taking an unattractive look as he frowned in my direction.
“I don’t know what you mean” I murmured as I turned to look at him in the eye, hoping that he couldn’t see through the hardness in my eyes, hoping he couldn’t see my longing for someone that wasn’t him…Just hoping for something.
I assume my hoping worked because he said nothing and just moved closer to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. Mike was huge with PDA, he would touch, kiss, tickle and lick me right in front of everyone, I wonder if maybe he was trying to prove something.
“You look beautiful today” he whispered into my ears, the warm heat from his words probably intended to make me melt only made me cringe I had seen James do that to countless of girls and they had looked like they were in bliss… Like they shared a secret.
I forced a smile and replied “Thanks, you tell me that all the time” because he did, he always told me I was beautiful…Problem was I never felt beautiful…Never.
“You wanna go up to my room? Wanna sex you up” he told me with a sly smile as his hand wandered under my skirt and brushed over the lace panties I wore under. I didn’t squeal like the first time it happened, I didn’t flinch, I just nodded silently and got up to pick my books off the table. Throwing my bag over my shoulders, I pushed my glasses up my nose and walked beside him to his hostel.
As soon as the door was closed, I felt my back hit the wall lightly, and before I could breathe I felt his lips on mine. Holding his shirt tightly in my hands, I kissed back matching his pace, my mind already replacing him with the one I really wanted.
His hands dragged down my back and pulled my shirt off, sucking in a sharp breath I moaned a little at the sudden cold that attacked my bare chest. “Fuck baby” he groaned as he unhooked my bra before pushing me back on the wall and then sliding my skirt right off my waist.
I don’t know how we did it but we were suddenly on his bed, I was under him, my legs spread to accommodate his body, I always imagined feeling safe when he was above me, but I didn’t feel safe, I never did.
His hands absentmindedly wandered my body, just caressing as if he was doing me a favor, as if I should appreciate the fact that he was touching me. His hands weren’t the hands of a lover, no, he was using me…And I swear I let him. I always did.
He didn’t bite my neck like I was hoping he would, he didn’t suck my collarbone like I wished…he just went straight for the price that sat between my legs.
My eyes strain at the ceiling as I felt him push into me, my nails digging into his back as I let myself feel wanted, it was painful and not in any way enjoyable but he wanted me, I was giving him pleasure, I was making him moan. Me. I. I was doing that to him. I made him shiver in pleasure. I felt…powerful. Used, but fucking powerful.
Gasping with every intrusion of him into my body, I felt a tear run out my eye as I felt him pound harder into me. The world was spinning around me, the colors were all dark and grey, I was looking for a silver lining… I found no escape.
“Fuck” I heard him say harshly over me, I knew he had reached his peak. His use for me was over; I couldn’t even decide if I was happy about that fact or that I resented it. A bit of both I guess.
Breathing heavily as he pulls out of me, before turning over and facing the other side of the bed, I hear him shuffle behind me before I felt his arm wrap around my waist and pull me closer. “Did I hurt you baby?” I hear him whisper behindme.
Choking on a sob I say “No…not more than usual”.
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